when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
