I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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