i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
