someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
