sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
