I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
