is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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