if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
