I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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