Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
