It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
