just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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