The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the condom got lost in my hair
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.