oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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