Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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