I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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