So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
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Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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