dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
