Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
