You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
