so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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