How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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