do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
