I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
