I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
