Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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