You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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