I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
