his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
