Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
