I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
