If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's just like the Real World with babies
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
