I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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