I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
