you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
