I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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