You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
