I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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