i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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