There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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