I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
