I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
