I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
