he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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