Plan B is the new Plan A
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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