obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.