i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?