Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
