I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
They have beer where we have blood.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
