My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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