I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
