In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
