Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
