Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
