dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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