I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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