I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
