I could make wine with my vomit
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
