Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
