i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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